Not good enough, huh?

I love my car. I've had it now for 9 1/2 years, and it's treated me very well. But I can't figure out what about it screams, "Break into me! I have loads of valuables inside!" From afar, my little white Explorer seems a bit plain. No flashy rims, neon lights shining out from underneath, no fancy gold-chain-rimmed license plate, nothing. Getting a little closer, you'll see the headlights are held in place by little strips of clear packing tape. There are a few dings here and there, and the rear windshield wiper is all wacky and bent; it's never worked.

But peering through the untinted windows, you will see many items of value: an array of workout clothing and accessories, and even a couple of trophies. People, that's not real gold on the trophies, even though it shines. Not worth stealing. Two or three swimsuits hang from the hook over the back seat (size 30, if you're interested), the swim bag is on the back floorboard (yes, this is valuable, unless you don't swim laps, then you'll just look goofy), and there is a spare pair of running shoes, nice and dirty. If you're so desperate that you need my stinky trail shoes, have at 'em.

In the far back is a crate containing some spare bike tubes, a couple of water bottles, and an old sheet for bike padding. Now those things are of real value. If you know what to do with the spare tubes, you just might need a couple, given the large amounts of glass on the streets of Memphis. If it's the plastic water bottles you want, please keep in mind that they are trying to link increased cancer risk to the use of those things. But I know, they're so expensive! I only get one for each $150 race I sign up for. So go ahead, take those, I've got plenty. You might even get a little leftover gatorade in there if you're lucky.

Maybe it was something up front that caught your eye yesterday. I do have a nice pair of pliers next to my lipgloss in the cup holder. Or was it the pedometer that was the lure? People need to know how many steps it takes them to get from Mrs Winners to the Mapco, don't they? I can't blame you; I'd like to know, too. I figured out what you were really going for yesterday. It was the recyclables! I have quite a treasure of aluminum cans that you can get, what, 5 cents each for?

But none of the contents of my car was quite what you wanted, was it? Nope, once you busted the lock, opened the door, adjusted my seat, and took a look around, my personal possessions were just not quite worthy of your high standards. Ok, I understand. But I just have one request for you: next time, can you at least move the seat back to where you found it? Yeah, thanks.

Violation.